Thirteen Hours is Far Too Long to be on a Bus

Maeghan asked me to write her a story.

This was the result.

Your Mom, the Undertaker

Once upon a time there was a princess named Maeghan. She had hair as bright as Prometheus' flame and a serious commitment to Sparkle Motion. She could scale large mountains in a single bound in her seven-league boots, and whole galaxies without them. Chuck Norris sent her flowers on her birthday.

In a faraway land lived a prince. His name was Starts with B Ends with Rennan. Because he was a prince, she was a princess, and this is a story, they necessarily fell in love. "I shall go visit my love," Maeghan thought, and put on her seven-league boots to go see him. She only knocked over two windmills and a pony on the way, and she was very proud of herself. Previously she had uprooted the Himalayas.

"I love you!" she said to Starts with B Ends with Rennan when she arrived.

"Cool," he said. "Want to see my collection of exit signs?"

"Okay," she said, and then they had French fries and ice cream at a Canadian fast food chain none of the rest of us have ever heard of.

"You should bring me a tulip," he said.

"A who in the what now?"

"A tulip. And when you bring it, we shall be married, provided my Grand Viziers don't object and have you murdered instead."

"Is this some sort of elaborate metaphor?" Maeghan asked.

"No."

"Okay," she said, and began to prepare for her journey. Because she was Canadian, she packed all her MEC equipment. Because she needed something to occupy her time, she brought a bag of Doritos. Because she was a princess, she brought a tiara. And with that, she began her journey.

Seven leagues is a big distance, but the world was bigger, and so her journey took a long time. In every kingdom, town, or hamlet she passed through, she stopped to eat ice cream and ask for directions. Although she showed elaborate diagrams of tulips to all she met, she had no luck at all until she happened across a city run by an oligarchy of goats.

"There is a land not far from here," a goat told her as a gondilier carried them through the canals of his city. "We are told that the flower you seek grows in abundance there. But you should not venture there! It is a land of lava flows and stinking sulfur! They say that none who venture there return alive."

"Then I'll be the first," Maeghan said bravely, but by then the goat had begun to eat one of the straps of her MEC backpack, so she took her leave, reflecting as she did on the short attention span of goats.

On her road to the land of the volcanoes, she met a grotesque, cloaked figure dragging what looked like a charred and oversized garden gnome. "I sense you are strong in the Force," the cloaked figure said. "Together we will rule the galaxy."

"I can't rule the galaxy," Maeghan said. "I have to find a tulip for my true love."

"Oh," said the cloak, "are you sure?"

"I am," said Maeghan, "but thanks for the offer."

"Well, you can't win them all," the cloaked figure said gamely. "Come along, Anakin," he said to the smoldering thing next to him, and departed into a soaring John Williams score.

Maeghan thought, "That was weird," and continued determinedly towards her destiny.

The volcanoes and pyroplastic fumes made for a hellish atmosphere, but the flowers were pretty! Maeghan quickly located the tulips, and searched on her hands and knees until she found a perfect speciman the color of flame and pleasantly scented. But how could she ever take it to Starts with B Ends with Rennan before it wilted?

"Well, poop," Maeghan said, and sat down to think.

By pure coincidence, at that moment she saw a tall and hauntingly beautiful figure walking down the road towards her.

"Hello!" she called.

As the figure came closer, she could see that it was a person. It was tall, with marble skin and topaz eyes. As she watched, it tripped magnificently on an upturned stone and flailed majestically before righting itself.

"My name is Maeghan," Maeghan said by way of introduction, "and I'm a princess."

"Pleased to make your acquaintance, Maeghan," the figure said. It looked neither male nor female but somewhere in between. "My name is Bedward."

"Beg pardon?"

Bedward sighed. "I'm a fictional construction embodying the most ridiculous aspects of two characters in popular fiction."

"I'm sorry," Maeghan sympathized.

"Thank you," Bedward sighed again. "I thirst for blood, but the smell makes me sick."

Maeghan wasn't sure what to say to that, so she changed the subject. "I have to get this tulip to Starts with B Ends with Rennan's kingdom before it wilts," she said. "Any ideas?"

"Certainly," Bedward said in musical tones, "I can run impossibly fast."

"And I have seven-league boots," Maeghan said. "Can you wear them?"

"Of course," Bedward said, "I'm fabulous."

Maeghan took off her boots and handed them to Bedward. He put them on.

"Now, climb on my back," Bedward lilted. Maeghan did, and gasped in surprise.

"Your skin is freezing!" she exclaimed.

"I know," Bedward said glumly. "Ludicrous, isn't it?" and then they were off.

The landscape flashed by at dizzying speed. "You aren't afraid that you might - you know, hit something?" Maeghan asked.

"I'm never afraid, even when it would make for a more emotionally investing narrative," Bedward responded, and Maeghan nodded in perfect understanding.

Soon they had reached the borders of Starts with B Ends with Rennan's kingdom.

"Thank you very much," Maeghan said, climbing down from Bedward's back. "I do hope your life begins to pick up," she added.

"It won't," Bedward said. "Wait until you see what my daughter will be named," and then he was gone in a flash.

"My love!" Maeghan called, entering the castle, "I have brought your tulip!" She paused. "Is your Grand Vizier going to kill me now?"

"Oh, you mean Rozencrantz and Guildenstern?" Starts with B Ends with Rennan asked. "They're dead."

"Hurray!" Maeghan said, and handed Starts with B Ends with Rennan the tulip.

"Cool," he said, and ate it.


Aren't you glad you asked, Maeghan?

Anyway, as I get photos edited and uploaded, there'll be a blow-by-blow account of the trip. Hope this tides yall over in the meantime.